Honestly, I do not know why the hell I even bother anymore. I am starting to wonder why I even try to stay here with these people, why I attempt to work things out with people who do not seem to care about our friendship anymore, and why I put up with my mother's complaining about my style, my sister being a selfish brat, and my room shrinking in size. I cannot WAIT to leave this place. I am thinking about going to a college in Vermont. I forgot the name, ^^', but it seems like a very good school. It has all sorts of fields and classes that i can try out to see what i am interested in and to see what the hell i want to do for the rest of my life. AND it's OUT OF STATE! BOOYAH!
...But still... I hate losing people. I have already lost so many people in my life. I have already discovered who my true friends are, and now, my true frieds are apparently not my true friends... It is like I am not even there anymore. Seriously, wtf happend in the past month to cause this piece of shit? Did I do something? Say something? Whatever it is, I cannot think of it. I guess I am not as important to them as they said I was, or how they are important to me... Fuck. I feel emo and depressed now. Hell.
Fun fact: Out of the three long-term relationships I've had in the past year (two lasted over 5 months...) I have never had a significant other on St. Valentine's day. I have never recieved a love letter, a box of chocolates, or a bouqet of flowers. I have never recieved a stuffed animal (well, one of the evil ex's got one for me. He just never gave it to me... which I am glad, because I would have probably burned it by now. Hmm. I wonder what the hell he did with that thing...). I have never even been told "I love you"... well, not romantically anyway. There was this one relationship where the girl said she loved me.... never said it to my face, though. Only through text message... never to my face... I have never been called a "Valentine" or a "Sweetheart", or "My Darling" or any of those cheesey ass names... that particially makes me happy though. XDDDD But seriously... what in the world is wrong with me???
I was an outgoing, happy single lady before, but ever since i have heard from my friends about my... this... BAWLESS asshole telling people that I am ugly.... That is all I view myself as. Because of it, I have been getting really depressed lately. I am actually starting to believe him.Funny thing is, he use to tell me all the time how "sexy" and "beautiful" I was.... fucking douche.
I am happy about what happend, though, because I have learned my lesson. Follow your gut, not your heart, do not let ANYONE preasure you to do something that you do not want to do, and DO. NOT. LET. ANYONE. PUSH. YOU. AROUND. Thats a "HELL TO THE NAW!" in my book! After those guidlines,I'll THEN listen to my heart... well, a little. I can't seem to trust my heart with anything these days... AND wait at least a month or two to date again. Do not just hop into another relationship right after you breakup with someone, because its makes you more dependant on people, and makes you feel like you cannot live without being in a relationship. Which is.... depressingly... what i am going through right now... I feel alone. Sad. I am happy to be free and only worry about myself, and yet.... I am sad because I do not have anyone to worry about.
I need to find and meet new people. I really cannot wait to get out of here.
Sorry for only emo notes. Heh, heh, this site is the only place where i can let my emotions run free, yah know??
I promise to try to write a happier note next time! :D
Night!
lalalalala
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I feel... Inspired.
I don't know what has come over me. Maybe it is the change of the planet cycle, the change of the seasons, or maybe it is the fact that my birthday is next month (YAY). All I know is that my outlook on life is fluctuating and it has finally rested on ACTIVE.
I have rearranged my room to the point where everything has a new home. I have this mini-room that is kind of like an entry way into my bathroom that i call my "dressing room". It consists of my closet, sink, and desk. This room is basically the only place where I can freely express myself now. My actual room was re-done with furniture and was painted two years ago, and my mom and dad said that I cannot do anything to it. I cannot put posters on my walls (which is understandable. I don't mind that. I like my new walls anyway. The old ones had holes {one in the shape of a teddy-bear sticker i tried to peel off ^^'}), put all my stuff animals in my room (which SUCKS because I love my babies :'(), etc. I personalized it as best as i could, but it did not feel like 'me'. It felt more like the 'feminie' and 'profesional' me. Where is my 'teenage' me? My inner tomboy??
So along with re-arranging the things in my room, i fixed my dressing room~! :D I put up all of my Naruto/Naruto Shippidun posters, along with puzzles i put together, pictures, and drawings that my friends made for me. I could not fit all of the stuff that i wanted to hang up in it, since the room is so tiny, but i feel like i have my own little space... sort of.
I still feel like i am trapped though, yah know? I feel like i cannot express my creativity enough, or be myself in this house. I try, i really do, but my mom throws curses at me like she is pegging snowballs at my face. It hurts. She keeps trying to make me weear makeup, be more 'feminine', and all that jazz. When i fight back, she makes me feel like a spec of dirt on a rug that she needs to get out. She won't let me dye my hair, or where the clothes that i want to wear. I have many different styles, and there is only on that she likes: Classy. I like it, but it gets boring after a while. I need more spice. More... individuality! More... me.
Right now, I am actually using my iPod stero. XD I barely use it because my mom doesn't like most of the music i listen to and i am afraid that she'll freak out at me. O.O The song that i keep playing right now won't bother her, though. It's 'River Flows In You' by Yiruma. Beautiful song~! I love it! My song choices are so bi-polar, I swear. XD I Go from Rock, metal, and hardcore stuff to this... piano music. XDDDD Ah.
I really need to change it though, cause i think i have listened to it, like, 50 times now. But it's so peaceful!!! .... Maybe one more round.
I lit a white candle before, and i accidentaly blew it out. TT-TT Funny thing is, i am afraid of fire, and fire alarms. ^^' So i am afraid that this candle would set it off. Plus, i'd rather light one of my incense, but, sadly, they create too much smoke. :'( Goddammit. Fuck it. I'm re-lighting this candle.
HAHA! I DID IT! But the light is faint... awww :'(
Anyway, back to what i was talking about before.
I feel trapped. I'm changing back into this active, creative, outgoing me, but i feel too trapped to expand more. I need my own space. A home away from home. A sanctuary.
My friends sister has two bedrooms. One is in her basement. She does all of her school work and job stuff in what use to be her real room, and she hangs/chills in her bedroom in the basement. She said it has done wonders for her, and helped her out a lot with seperating work from her relaxing time. I would do that, but we have an unfinished basement. -_-' I really need a new place, though, because i am starting to feel trapped in my own room! ITS SUFFOCATING!
Dammit, my candle went out. Fungool.
I feel more spiritually indepth. More calm about things, and more accepting. I am moving around more, and trying to give myself odjobs around my room. I'm reading again. I am trying to make bracelets, but they are such a fucking pain. >.< Thinking about going back to knitting, along with taking a class in something after school, like pottery or painting... CERAMICS! 8D I'm practicing my flute more, and getting more into music and writing. This feeling of creating and doing something is awesome, considering that i aparently suck at school. ^^' I think it was because i was dating a prick, and he screwed up my life scedule...
ITS OFFICIAL, I WILL NOT DATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I felt a lot better since we broke up, even though my selfesteme over my appearance kind of caved in and just died (mom is not helping, either).
Okay, I'm gonna go shower now. I would type more, but it is getting late and i have so much more to do! *spins* Fair winds and following seas! Thank you, moon, stars, planets, god, for making my life seem somewhat better than it did. <3
Good night.
I have rearranged my room to the point where everything has a new home. I have this mini-room that is kind of like an entry way into my bathroom that i call my "dressing room". It consists of my closet, sink, and desk. This room is basically the only place where I can freely express myself now. My actual room was re-done with furniture and was painted two years ago, and my mom and dad said that I cannot do anything to it. I cannot put posters on my walls (which is understandable. I don't mind that. I like my new walls anyway. The old ones had holes {one in the shape of a teddy-bear sticker i tried to peel off ^^'}), put all my stuff animals in my room (which SUCKS because I love my babies :'(), etc. I personalized it as best as i could, but it did not feel like 'me'. It felt more like the 'feminie' and 'profesional' me. Where is my 'teenage' me? My inner tomboy??
So along with re-arranging the things in my room, i fixed my dressing room~! :D I put up all of my Naruto/Naruto Shippidun posters, along with puzzles i put together, pictures, and drawings that my friends made for me. I could not fit all of the stuff that i wanted to hang up in it, since the room is so tiny, but i feel like i have my own little space... sort of.
I still feel like i am trapped though, yah know? I feel like i cannot express my creativity enough, or be myself in this house. I try, i really do, but my mom throws curses at me like she is pegging snowballs at my face. It hurts. She keeps trying to make me weear makeup, be more 'feminine', and all that jazz. When i fight back, she makes me feel like a spec of dirt on a rug that she needs to get out. She won't let me dye my hair, or where the clothes that i want to wear. I have many different styles, and there is only on that she likes: Classy. I like it, but it gets boring after a while. I need more spice. More... individuality! More... me.
Right now, I am actually using my iPod stero. XD I barely use it because my mom doesn't like most of the music i listen to and i am afraid that she'll freak out at me. O.O The song that i keep playing right now won't bother her, though. It's 'River Flows In You' by Yiruma. Beautiful song~! I love it! My song choices are so bi-polar, I swear. XD I Go from Rock, metal, and hardcore stuff to this... piano music. XDDDD Ah.
I really need to change it though, cause i think i have listened to it, like, 50 times now. But it's so peaceful!!! .... Maybe one more round.
I lit a white candle before, and i accidentaly blew it out. TT-TT Funny thing is, i am afraid of fire, and fire alarms. ^^' So i am afraid that this candle would set it off. Plus, i'd rather light one of my incense, but, sadly, they create too much smoke. :'( Goddammit. Fuck it. I'm re-lighting this candle.
HAHA! I DID IT! But the light is faint... awww :'(
Anyway, back to what i was talking about before.
I feel trapped. I'm changing back into this active, creative, outgoing me, but i feel too trapped to expand more. I need my own space. A home away from home. A sanctuary.
My friends sister has two bedrooms. One is in her basement. She does all of her school work and job stuff in what use to be her real room, and she hangs/chills in her bedroom in the basement. She said it has done wonders for her, and helped her out a lot with seperating work from her relaxing time. I would do that, but we have an unfinished basement. -_-' I really need a new place, though, because i am starting to feel trapped in my own room! ITS SUFFOCATING!
Dammit, my candle went out. Fungool.
I feel more spiritually indepth. More calm about things, and more accepting. I am moving around more, and trying to give myself odjobs around my room. I'm reading again. I am trying to make bracelets, but they are such a fucking pain. >.< Thinking about going back to knitting, along with taking a class in something after school, like pottery or painting... CERAMICS! 8D I'm practicing my flute more, and getting more into music and writing. This feeling of creating and doing something is awesome, considering that i aparently suck at school. ^^' I think it was because i was dating a prick, and he screwed up my life scedule...
ITS OFFICIAL, I WILL NOT DATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I felt a lot better since we broke up, even though my selfesteme over my appearance kind of caved in and just died (mom is not helping, either).
Okay, I'm gonna go shower now. I would type more, but it is getting late and i have so much more to do! *spins* Fair winds and following seas! Thank you, moon, stars, planets, god, for making my life seem somewhat better than it did. <3
Good night.
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