Honestly, I do not know why the hell I even bother anymore. I am starting to wonder why I even try to stay here with these people, why I attempt to work things out with people who do not seem to care about our friendship anymore, and why I put up with my mother's complaining about my style, my sister being a selfish brat, and my room shrinking in size. I cannot WAIT to leave this place. I am thinking about going to a college in Vermont. I forgot the name, ^^', but it seems like a very good school. It has all sorts of fields and classes that i can try out to see what i am interested in and to see what the hell i want to do for the rest of my life. AND it's OUT OF STATE! BOOYAH!
...But still... I hate losing people. I have already lost so many people in my life. I have already discovered who my true friends are, and now, my true frieds are apparently not my true friends... It is like I am not even there anymore. Seriously, wtf happend in the past month to cause this piece of shit? Did I do something? Say something? Whatever it is, I cannot think of it. I guess I am not as important to them as they said I was, or how they are important to me... Fuck. I feel emo and depressed now. Hell.
Fun fact: Out of the three long-term relationships I've had in the past year (two lasted over 5 months...) I have never had a significant other on St. Valentine's day. I have never recieved a love letter, a box of chocolates, or a bouqet of flowers. I have never recieved a stuffed animal (well, one of the evil ex's got one for me. He just never gave it to me... which I am glad, because I would have probably burned it by now. Hmm. I wonder what the hell he did with that thing...). I have never even been told "I love you"... well, not romantically anyway. There was this one relationship where the girl said she loved me.... never said it to my face, though. Only through text message... never to my face... I have never been called a "Valentine" or a "Sweetheart", or "My Darling" or any of those cheesey ass names... that particially makes me happy though. XDDDD But seriously... what in the world is wrong with me???
I was an outgoing, happy single lady before, but ever since i have heard from my friends about my... this... BAWLESS asshole telling people that I am ugly.... That is all I view myself as. Because of it, I have been getting really depressed lately. I am actually starting to believe him.Funny thing is, he use to tell me all the time how "sexy" and "beautiful" I was.... fucking douche.
I am happy about what happend, though, because I have learned my lesson. Follow your gut, not your heart, do not let ANYONE preasure you to do something that you do not want to do, and DO. NOT. LET. ANYONE. PUSH. YOU. AROUND. Thats a "HELL TO THE NAW!" in my book! After those guidlines,I'll THEN listen to my heart... well, a little. I can't seem to trust my heart with anything these days... AND wait at least a month or two to date again. Do not just hop into another relationship right after you breakup with someone, because its makes you more dependant on people, and makes you feel like you cannot live without being in a relationship. Which is.... depressingly... what i am going through right now... I feel alone. Sad. I am happy to be free and only worry about myself, and yet.... I am sad because I do not have anyone to worry about.
I need to find and meet new people. I really cannot wait to get out of here.
Sorry for only emo notes. Heh, heh, this site is the only place where i can let my emotions run free, yah know??
I promise to try to write a happier note next time! :D
Night!
lalalalala
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
I feel... Inspired.
I don't know what has come over me. Maybe it is the change of the planet cycle, the change of the seasons, or maybe it is the fact that my birthday is next month (YAY). All I know is that my outlook on life is fluctuating and it has finally rested on ACTIVE.
I have rearranged my room to the point where everything has a new home. I have this mini-room that is kind of like an entry way into my bathroom that i call my "dressing room". It consists of my closet, sink, and desk. This room is basically the only place where I can freely express myself now. My actual room was re-done with furniture and was painted two years ago, and my mom and dad said that I cannot do anything to it. I cannot put posters on my walls (which is understandable. I don't mind that. I like my new walls anyway. The old ones had holes {one in the shape of a teddy-bear sticker i tried to peel off ^^'}), put all my stuff animals in my room (which SUCKS because I love my babies :'(), etc. I personalized it as best as i could, but it did not feel like 'me'. It felt more like the 'feminie' and 'profesional' me. Where is my 'teenage' me? My inner tomboy??
So along with re-arranging the things in my room, i fixed my dressing room~! :D I put up all of my Naruto/Naruto Shippidun posters, along with puzzles i put together, pictures, and drawings that my friends made for me. I could not fit all of the stuff that i wanted to hang up in it, since the room is so tiny, but i feel like i have my own little space... sort of.
I still feel like i am trapped though, yah know? I feel like i cannot express my creativity enough, or be myself in this house. I try, i really do, but my mom throws curses at me like she is pegging snowballs at my face. It hurts. She keeps trying to make me weear makeup, be more 'feminine', and all that jazz. When i fight back, she makes me feel like a spec of dirt on a rug that she needs to get out. She won't let me dye my hair, or where the clothes that i want to wear. I have many different styles, and there is only on that she likes: Classy. I like it, but it gets boring after a while. I need more spice. More... individuality! More... me.
Right now, I am actually using my iPod stero. XD I barely use it because my mom doesn't like most of the music i listen to and i am afraid that she'll freak out at me. O.O The song that i keep playing right now won't bother her, though. It's 'River Flows In You' by Yiruma. Beautiful song~! I love it! My song choices are so bi-polar, I swear. XD I Go from Rock, metal, and hardcore stuff to this... piano music. XDDDD Ah.
I really need to change it though, cause i think i have listened to it, like, 50 times now. But it's so peaceful!!! .... Maybe one more round.
I lit a white candle before, and i accidentaly blew it out. TT-TT Funny thing is, i am afraid of fire, and fire alarms. ^^' So i am afraid that this candle would set it off. Plus, i'd rather light one of my incense, but, sadly, they create too much smoke. :'( Goddammit. Fuck it. I'm re-lighting this candle.
HAHA! I DID IT! But the light is faint... awww :'(
Anyway, back to what i was talking about before.
I feel trapped. I'm changing back into this active, creative, outgoing me, but i feel too trapped to expand more. I need my own space. A home away from home. A sanctuary.
My friends sister has two bedrooms. One is in her basement. She does all of her school work and job stuff in what use to be her real room, and she hangs/chills in her bedroom in the basement. She said it has done wonders for her, and helped her out a lot with seperating work from her relaxing time. I would do that, but we have an unfinished basement. -_-' I really need a new place, though, because i am starting to feel trapped in my own room! ITS SUFFOCATING!
Dammit, my candle went out. Fungool.
I feel more spiritually indepth. More calm about things, and more accepting. I am moving around more, and trying to give myself odjobs around my room. I'm reading again. I am trying to make bracelets, but they are such a fucking pain. >.< Thinking about going back to knitting, along with taking a class in something after school, like pottery or painting... CERAMICS! 8D I'm practicing my flute more, and getting more into music and writing. This feeling of creating and doing something is awesome, considering that i aparently suck at school. ^^' I think it was because i was dating a prick, and he screwed up my life scedule...
ITS OFFICIAL, I WILL NOT DATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I felt a lot better since we broke up, even though my selfesteme over my appearance kind of caved in and just died (mom is not helping, either).
Okay, I'm gonna go shower now. I would type more, but it is getting late and i have so much more to do! *spins* Fair winds and following seas! Thank you, moon, stars, planets, god, for making my life seem somewhat better than it did. <3
Good night.
I have rearranged my room to the point where everything has a new home. I have this mini-room that is kind of like an entry way into my bathroom that i call my "dressing room". It consists of my closet, sink, and desk. This room is basically the only place where I can freely express myself now. My actual room was re-done with furniture and was painted two years ago, and my mom and dad said that I cannot do anything to it. I cannot put posters on my walls (which is understandable. I don't mind that. I like my new walls anyway. The old ones had holes {one in the shape of a teddy-bear sticker i tried to peel off ^^'}), put all my stuff animals in my room (which SUCKS because I love my babies :'(), etc. I personalized it as best as i could, but it did not feel like 'me'. It felt more like the 'feminie' and 'profesional' me. Where is my 'teenage' me? My inner tomboy??
So along with re-arranging the things in my room, i fixed my dressing room~! :D I put up all of my Naruto/Naruto Shippidun posters, along with puzzles i put together, pictures, and drawings that my friends made for me. I could not fit all of the stuff that i wanted to hang up in it, since the room is so tiny, but i feel like i have my own little space... sort of.
I still feel like i am trapped though, yah know? I feel like i cannot express my creativity enough, or be myself in this house. I try, i really do, but my mom throws curses at me like she is pegging snowballs at my face. It hurts. She keeps trying to make me weear makeup, be more 'feminine', and all that jazz. When i fight back, she makes me feel like a spec of dirt on a rug that she needs to get out. She won't let me dye my hair, or where the clothes that i want to wear. I have many different styles, and there is only on that she likes: Classy. I like it, but it gets boring after a while. I need more spice. More... individuality! More... me.
Right now, I am actually using my iPod stero. XD I barely use it because my mom doesn't like most of the music i listen to and i am afraid that she'll freak out at me. O.O The song that i keep playing right now won't bother her, though. It's 'River Flows In You' by Yiruma. Beautiful song~! I love it! My song choices are so bi-polar, I swear. XD I Go from Rock, metal, and hardcore stuff to this... piano music. XDDDD Ah.
I really need to change it though, cause i think i have listened to it, like, 50 times now. But it's so peaceful!!! .... Maybe one more round.
I lit a white candle before, and i accidentaly blew it out. TT-TT Funny thing is, i am afraid of fire, and fire alarms. ^^' So i am afraid that this candle would set it off. Plus, i'd rather light one of my incense, but, sadly, they create too much smoke. :'( Goddammit. Fuck it. I'm re-lighting this candle.
HAHA! I DID IT! But the light is faint... awww :'(
Anyway, back to what i was talking about before.
I feel trapped. I'm changing back into this active, creative, outgoing me, but i feel too trapped to expand more. I need my own space. A home away from home. A sanctuary.
My friends sister has two bedrooms. One is in her basement. She does all of her school work and job stuff in what use to be her real room, and she hangs/chills in her bedroom in the basement. She said it has done wonders for her, and helped her out a lot with seperating work from her relaxing time. I would do that, but we have an unfinished basement. -_-' I really need a new place, though, because i am starting to feel trapped in my own room! ITS SUFFOCATING!
Dammit, my candle went out. Fungool.
I feel more spiritually indepth. More calm about things, and more accepting. I am moving around more, and trying to give myself odjobs around my room. I'm reading again. I am trying to make bracelets, but they are such a fucking pain. >.< Thinking about going back to knitting, along with taking a class in something after school, like pottery or painting... CERAMICS! 8D I'm practicing my flute more, and getting more into music and writing. This feeling of creating and doing something is awesome, considering that i aparently suck at school. ^^' I think it was because i was dating a prick, and he screwed up my life scedule...
ITS OFFICIAL, I WILL NOT DATE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
I felt a lot better since we broke up, even though my selfesteme over my appearance kind of caved in and just died (mom is not helping, either).
Okay, I'm gonna go shower now. I would type more, but it is getting late and i have so much more to do! *spins* Fair winds and following seas! Thank you, moon, stars, planets, god, for making my life seem somewhat better than it did. <3
Good night.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Oh noes...
I am officially lost. I have no idea how to solve this issue, or how to let it out. Thank gawd, I found blogger, again!
Alright. Here is the issue.
My best friend, whom I believe I have mentioned before, has been going through all sorts of traumatic events. It wasn't until about several months ago that I realised that some of the things that she has been telling me weren't exactly true. It was confirmed by a friend that she does stretch the truth quite a bit. So, it is kind of hard to tell if she is telling the truth, or a little white lie...
Lately, shit has hit the fan for her, and her whole world is starting to fall apart. She has told me that her and her stepfather have been at it and it has gotten to the point where her mom has kicked the fucker out {FUCKIN FINALLY!}(excuse my language, but seriously, I dispize the man). I believe that this is true, because I have seen shit go down between their parents. Gawsh, it is awful.
Now, about an hour ago, she has finally told me the reason why she has been carrying a pocket knife to school with her and everywhere else she goes. A man has... attacked her... while she was vacationing with her family. She hasn't told anyone except for two other friends and myself. I hate to be a bitch... but a part of me doesn't believe her. She has told me that her ex did such a thing to her, and now they are back together, and she is saying that he has "completely changed" but whenever I see or hear from him, he still sounds like a prick. She has also told me a great deal of other stories as well, that i cannot admit to believe. I believe with facts and visual things now, ever since I have been walked all over, lied to, and trashed upon.
She has no bruises on her (except for the one on her butt, which is from sledding with one of the other friends). None on her face or neck or anywhere else. Though I hae seen... cuts on the inside of her left wrist. ...She has told me a long time ago that she has been doing this to herself, and she jokes about it during school now, but i have never seen her wrists personally, so it can to me as a shock. I cannot believe a beautiful, lovely, charming girl like her is going through so much trauma in her life to the point where she has to let it out through hurting herself.
I feel terrible for not believing what she told me, but honestly, how can it be possible? There are no defensive wounds on her hands... nothing. Maybe I'm just being a bitch. I don't know.
I tried talking to her (well, texting. And for some reason when i try helping people through texted messages, I fail misserably.) and stuff, but it just ended up with her saying "I can't tell anybody! Nobody understands! It'll ruin my life!" It'll get worse if she doesn't tell anybody, right? She should talk to someone, shouldn't she?I remember one early school day morning, I found her crying in the hallway. I asked her if she wanted to come to guidance with me and we could talk about it. She declined. I know it is difficult going down there, and talking to some stranger about how life is being shitty and stuff, but it helps! Talking to someone can really help!
My friend claims that she doesn't want to tell anybody, but she has already told 3 people about the situation. She said the same thing the last time she had a terrible situation on her hands, and she ended up telling everyone about it, and practically announcing it for the whole world to hear. She has been acting more rambunctious than she usually is, and grasping onto attention. She says that she doesn't like gossiping or drama and such, but I see her do it everyday.
I want to believe that what she is saying is the truth, and that I am just being stupid and ignorant and mean, but... She has been lying to me about all sorts of things that I spent years on believing that they are true. I want to help her, but I feel like i am pushing her away everytime I try. She says that I am her best friend, but she does not really treat me like it. This is starting to become mudddy and mashed, along with mixed together. Sorry. ^^"
I'm trying with all my might to help her, but I'm losing her at the same time. I do not want to lose what i have left of her. I... heh heh. Yeah, corny, cheesey, sleezy, and.. yeah. I am in love with her. I found out when I was a freshman. I made a pact not to tell her until the end of senior year. Why? Well, because... Ah, I forgot the reason at the moment. I would have told her earlier, but turns out she's straight, and probably not even close to interested in me. Plus, I don't want to ruin what is left of our relationship.
I am actually surprised that she did not figure it out by now.
She probably hates me now, for pressuring her to talk to someone... But I am sick and tired of her bottling it up, and then letting it explode so the whole world finds out, giving her even more issues to deal with. I am afraid of losing my best friend... I don;t know what to do anymore. This is like one drama train after another. First my fucking ex and his lies, accompanied by tales of how "ugly" I am and such, my other best friend being a dick by making plans with me then excluding me from the plans and inviting other people, and now.... What is with 2011? Right off the bat it went screwy. Seriously.
Praying to get out of school early tomorrow.
Not looking forward to english. TT_TT
God, please help me down this long road,
'Cause I have no idea where to go.
Just give me a hint and I'll find a way
To make another person happy and survive the day.
I've made plenty of wrong turns,
but they were not mistakes.
They were lessons that I needed to learn,
and choices that I needed to make.
I've been lost a few times, too.
Been stuck at red light or two.
But I will keep going,
Because the world isn't slowing,
And I am not waisting another day.
Wow. I don't know where this cam from. I'm not even that religious. o.o NO OFFENSE, GOD! *hides from lightning bolts* Well, yeah. Sorry for cheezing you out. While i was writing this, i wrote Gods Path Searcher.... GPS..... as one of the lines. I took it out cause it SUCKKKKKKEDDDDD :D Meep. Not to mention it sounded so.... bleh. JUst bleh.
I must go. I still have some work to do and midnight is almost here
Fair winds and following seas.
Semper fi.
Au revoir.
Etc, etc.
Good night to you all, and may you have beautiful dreams! ^^
Alright. Here is the issue.
My best friend, whom I believe I have mentioned before, has been going through all sorts of traumatic events. It wasn't until about several months ago that I realised that some of the things that she has been telling me weren't exactly true. It was confirmed by a friend that she does stretch the truth quite a bit. So, it is kind of hard to tell if she is telling the truth, or a little white lie...
Lately, shit has hit the fan for her, and her whole world is starting to fall apart. She has told me that her and her stepfather have been at it and it has gotten to the point where her mom has kicked the fucker out {FUCKIN FINALLY!}(excuse my language, but seriously, I dispize the man). I believe that this is true, because I have seen shit go down between their parents. Gawsh, it is awful.
Now, about an hour ago, she has finally told me the reason why she has been carrying a pocket knife to school with her and everywhere else she goes. A man has... attacked her... while she was vacationing with her family. She hasn't told anyone except for two other friends and myself. I hate to be a bitch... but a part of me doesn't believe her. She has told me that her ex did such a thing to her, and now they are back together, and she is saying that he has "completely changed" but whenever I see or hear from him, he still sounds like a prick. She has also told me a great deal of other stories as well, that i cannot admit to believe. I believe with facts and visual things now, ever since I have been walked all over, lied to, and trashed upon.
She has no bruises on her (except for the one on her butt, which is from sledding with one of the other friends). None on her face or neck or anywhere else. Though I hae seen... cuts on the inside of her left wrist. ...She has told me a long time ago that she has been doing this to herself, and she jokes about it during school now, but i have never seen her wrists personally, so it can to me as a shock. I cannot believe a beautiful, lovely, charming girl like her is going through so much trauma in her life to the point where she has to let it out through hurting herself.
I feel terrible for not believing what she told me, but honestly, how can it be possible? There are no defensive wounds on her hands... nothing. Maybe I'm just being a bitch. I don't know.
I tried talking to her (well, texting. And for some reason when i try helping people through texted messages, I fail misserably.) and stuff, but it just ended up with her saying "I can't tell anybody! Nobody understands! It'll ruin my life!" It'll get worse if she doesn't tell anybody, right? She should talk to someone, shouldn't she?I remember one early school day morning, I found her crying in the hallway. I asked her if she wanted to come to guidance with me and we could talk about it. She declined. I know it is difficult going down there, and talking to some stranger about how life is being shitty and stuff, but it helps! Talking to someone can really help!
My friend claims that she doesn't want to tell anybody, but she has already told 3 people about the situation. She said the same thing the last time she had a terrible situation on her hands, and she ended up telling everyone about it, and practically announcing it for the whole world to hear. She has been acting more rambunctious than she usually is, and grasping onto attention. She says that she doesn't like gossiping or drama and such, but I see her do it everyday.
I want to believe that what she is saying is the truth, and that I am just being stupid and ignorant and mean, but... She has been lying to me about all sorts of things that I spent years on believing that they are true. I want to help her, but I feel like i am pushing her away everytime I try. She says that I am her best friend, but she does not really treat me like it. This is starting to become mudddy and mashed, along with mixed together. Sorry. ^^"
I'm trying with all my might to help her, but I'm losing her at the same time. I do not want to lose what i have left of her. I... heh heh. Yeah, corny, cheesey, sleezy, and.. yeah. I am in love with her. I found out when I was a freshman. I made a pact not to tell her until the end of senior year. Why? Well, because... Ah, I forgot the reason at the moment. I would have told her earlier, but turns out she's straight, and probably not even close to interested in me. Plus, I don't want to ruin what is left of our relationship.
I am actually surprised that she did not figure it out by now.
She probably hates me now, for pressuring her to talk to someone... But I am sick and tired of her bottling it up, and then letting it explode so the whole world finds out, giving her even more issues to deal with. I am afraid of losing my best friend... I don;t know what to do anymore. This is like one drama train after another. First my fucking ex and his lies, accompanied by tales of how "ugly" I am and such, my other best friend being a dick by making plans with me then excluding me from the plans and inviting other people, and now.... What is with 2011? Right off the bat it went screwy. Seriously.
Praying to get out of school early tomorrow.
Not looking forward to english. TT_TT
God, please help me down this long road,
'Cause I have no idea where to go.
Just give me a hint and I'll find a way
To make another person happy and survive the day.
I've made plenty of wrong turns,
but they were not mistakes.
They were lessons that I needed to learn,
and choices that I needed to make.
I've been lost a few times, too.
Been stuck at red light or two.
But I will keep going,
Because the world isn't slowing,
And I am not waisting another day.
Wow. I don't know where this cam from. I'm not even that religious. o.o NO OFFENSE, GOD! *hides from lightning bolts* Well, yeah. Sorry for cheezing you out. While i was writing this, i wrote Gods Path Searcher.... GPS..... as one of the lines. I took it out cause it SUCKKKKKKEDDDDD :D Meep. Not to mention it sounded so.... bleh. JUst bleh.
I must go. I still have some work to do and midnight is almost here
Fair winds and following seas.
Semper fi.
Au revoir.
Etc, etc.
Good night to you all, and may you have beautiful dreams! ^^
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Blast from the past??
Hey! It's been awhile! Almost two years, I think! Maybe more?
I kinda was logged out of my google account and the damn thing wouldn't log me back in or give me back my password until now. -_-' Damn interntet.
Yeah, so I am on here via iTouch, so if my words are somehow funky and.. Yeah... I blame touch screens. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I skimmed through some of my old posts, and buh-jeez. O.O I would expand on that comment, but it just hit me that it is practically o e am over here and I have school. >.< nooooooo!
Well, I will probably type more later, so I brb! :3
Sorry for being gone ubber long! ^^'
Nighty night!
I kinda was logged out of my google account and the damn thing wouldn't log me back in or give me back my password until now. -_-' Damn interntet.
Yeah, so I am on here via iTouch, so if my words are somehow funky and.. Yeah... I blame touch screens. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I skimmed through some of my old posts, and buh-jeez. O.O I would expand on that comment, but it just hit me that it is practically o e am over here and I have school. >.< nooooooo!
Well, I will probably type more later, so I brb! :3
Sorry for being gone ubber long! ^^'
Nighty night!
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